Beyond.

Beyond the scum of ancient memories,
there is a land.

I will find you there.

Breach of Love.

Wrong.
The promises, the tales of forever
The lies written on stone; on that strong, walled heart.
The claims of being your first and last
So sorrowfully replaced by Time.

Flying higher,
closer to the sun,
Love melting with each strained stride
Under the same stars,
I'd look up at what we share

But, today I see skyfall.

Unlove me.

Leave the scars on my wrists
The lines of my lips
My knotted hair around your fingertips
Leave them all here for me
But, take this love.

Leave the aching sound of your laughter
Still ringing inside my empty head,
hitting every wall of my heart,
brushing each barrier around it.
But, rid me of this love.

Leave my eyes with your reflections
My hands with remnants of your strong arms
My muffled voice that says your name best
But, take from me this love.

Take these years of being everywhere but with you
With everyone, but you
And still being absent from it all.

Leave all of you that remains within me
I will carry that burden-- for I must.
Leave me nothing but your memories
But, please rid me of this love.

A String of Zero's

Strings of attachment

Verbal incapacity amplified

into hollowness I rise in the wake of dawn

until tired eyes bring me home at night

In circles rests my turmoiled heart

immobile, beating ever so still inside me

but venturing, too, into the foreign lands where he resides

only to come back to me

alone

without his heart in hand,

without the rest of me.

A string of Zero's covers these miles

between you and I

and into oblivion our love shall walk
From claims of eternity

. . .'til time do us part.

Silence.

"In between thoughts and expression lies a lifetime of peace and war." 

- Me.

In silence, I could devour her gentle eyelids
strip them of their candescence glow with stolen kisses
dim the lights down, a little lower than before
until her eyes hold the darkness of my face near hers,
firmly.

In silence, I could leave her worries estranged
as I'd breathe love into the pulse dancing on her fragile chest, into her timid heart
Clashing footsteps in my mind and hers, while the street lights cast no traces of life.
This world of frenzy trapped inside her head
"Are we staying here, in this moment, only to leave?"
Her thoughts drum faster, through her lips into mine
Fears. unfathomable, unconquered.
She lies there, having won the game of loss
in hopes of building a home
with me.

Soldier My Way.

To leave or be left

To be remembered or forgotten.

To sink or swim

Love or friendship.

Like the pulse of tranquility in a no man's land,

beating loudly in between the chaos on either side of crossed wires,

There lies my heart content, instead of being ripped in two.

Rhythmic, resting lightly, unbroken

thinking about the choices that never showed up at my doorstep.

For she took me and changed me before I could speak

and tell her she had me at hello.

And these wars of the mind that raise qualms and doubts that needn't stay

in your eyes and in mine

Don't you know darling, through all the letters I sent back home

I'd soldier my way through our fate, this pain

Just to have your fingertips checking my pulse

after this blood storm.

Lies.

Lies.

Engulfed by the sea of morbid storms still raining on his pride
In little nooks and corners of a quiet mind, that now rests unconquered and free
They lie.
Hidden.
These Lies.

From the eyes that surround him
and hold his gaze tight
From the hearts that breathe into him
A little bit of love, another chance at life.
They remain undeterred
unfathomable
These lies.

Why not paint the sky with your virtue and might
Hold your sins by the reign, on display?
Ah, such exquisite distortions in a life gone awry
And the irony of choice between
Threading me another tale of misery, of truth
Or, granting him the chance to save me with
These lies.

Strange.

Like strange birds
we sit on wires
waiting to fly

Like strange white lies
waiting to find honor in their purpose
and guilt in their denial.

Like estranged thoughts
that flash by
through the doors of your eyes
still wide open

Hiding. wanting. wondering. restless.
yet so quiet
are the strange waves of the unknown
within me.

Strange is the beat of your heart
still knocking on these wrists under my fingertips
Strange am I a little
If a little of me is still you.

A shoulder

I don't need you to fight my battles
or tell me I'm strong
I don't need to hear you whisper
a prayer for me long after I'm gone
I don't need a crying shoulder
or a giving friend
All I need is silence
and the chance to look at you again.


I can fight life as it may come
in small packages and big surprises
live through dismay and huge sacrifices
I can do it all
It'd just be nicer somehow
if I had you too.


You're missed
not because I'm complete
but because I'd be more than whole
if you were here.


I guess we all need a shoulder sometimes
and someone to watch us face our life
It's just nicer sometimes to not be alone at your lowest
not so they can pull you back up
but because they'll be waiting there when you're done
and give your end a better name
and your worn out self some love.

Broken.

You're not broken.

The land you conquered and split in two
devastated, as it may be, with its demarcation
But, is it broken?

The wings that fail to soar endlessly in scorching daylight
their shreds and feathers lying on the roof of a Delhi veranda
left behind as they may be
But, are they broken?

The whims and fancies of a girl in pink
wearing a torn chunri as she asks you for change
returns to her mother in dismay
on a busy street
Denied and less hopeful than before, yes
But is she broken?

You could be torn like a land and its valleys
falling apart like the wings of a soaring bird
You  could be engulfed by endless denials too
You could be damaged like them all.


But I can't fix you.
for you're not broken.

That's okay.

If the heavens are red and the sky isn't blue
If tomorrow isn't here yet and today is long due
If you're stuck in time, in between the arms of the clock
running in circles, and chasing tails
Stop.

That's okay.


if you've opened all doors and climbed through windows
if you've crossed valleys and dodged raindrops
if you've ever seen a moonlit face
in the cloaks of beauty in a midnight haze
now lost.

That's okay.


If you've ever tasted love on the tips of your dreams
rescued their demons, and made them your own
if you've ever seen failure
where once stood your pride.

That's okay.



If you haven't that's okay
because tomorrow will come
They say you're alone now
That's okay
The game isn't over
because you haven't won.

If the sun eats the moon each day

and you see the same stars that I do too

If we're under the same sky

in my eyes and dreams and heart

If you still linger in my yesterdays

but on the same page we're not

That's okay.

Change of Heart.

Sing to me
won't you please
of the time
when the sun rise meant I'd see your face
of the time
when being in love felt better than being without it
of the time
i'd smile at the chance of meeting you someday
of the time
there was a world of tomorrows
in my head.

Like an ounce of sunlight in a jar
I'd trap those moments, too, in my boxed heart
and let them linger in the corners of my closed eyes
as I'd lay
waiting; holding;
they'd flow out on the creeks of my face
at the sight of you
someday.


But, that is never going to happen now.

For today
I'm changed.

Has it already happened?

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened. ”
 -- Douglas Coupland "Life After God."

What Do I Do?

So what do I do
when the sun is out
and I'm stuck in my head
thinking of you
When the dusk settles
and the lights come on
and I'm stuck in the moment
remembering you
When the cars come home
and the curtains are drawn
inbetween tomorrow and today
while I long for you
These cycles go on
into the early morn
as another day is lost
for a love forlorn
Isn't it strange
like a knot undone
Because I want what we had
But I don't want you.

The Loser's Poem.

Through this tainted mirror of journeys
which reads your reflection
and the years in my eyes
Let me sit beside you in the wake of this storm
and show you the place I'm in.

Can I crack you open into pieces
and gather them the way I want
Can I take out the ones that fit me well
and hide the ones I'd want out.

Can I string together a thousand reasons
for why we do the things we do
I don't think about love that often
But is it love if I think about you?

That's the trouble with wanting to write
to chain myself to these keys and "let emotions flow"
I start out to write about the journeys that have been
but like my life, I've made this, too, about you.

Shallow Success

Success.

To laugh and share good jokes.
To smile at yourself in the mirror.
To sleep to the sound of your favorite song.
To eat good food in company.
To have peace under the roof
and warmth in your heart.
To care and be cared for.
To have people who listen to you
and value you.
To matter
to atleast three people in your life.

To have it all
and not You
Is to have won
the game of loss.

What Have I Done?

On the wrong track
finding a way back into love
There's been more harm done than good
What I could've been
and what I'll always be
is crystal clear, so different.
If I had known this would be today
I'd linger in my yesterdays
I'd rewind till the days of scraped knees
and start all over again.


"The years teach what the days may never know"
I tell myself along the way

But I would if I could

Had I known what I know today.

I Hate Humans.

They say things they don't mean. And, when they do mean things from the deepest corners of their hearts they don't always say it.
When they smile at you, across the hallways, on the train, in the middle of the road, from windows above they don't mean a thing. While they look at you, straight in your eyes, whisper in your ears, they still don't.
They write big words, and commit to great standards in life, but their reality is full of mistakes. Their words can heal you and their warmth can help you weather the worst of storms in life, but they later become a storm you can't handle, the reason behind the tears you can't fight.

They lie, they cheat, they love, they pray. All at the same time.

And I, too, smile and pray and love and lie to myself that I don't hate humans. Because, I do.

The First Page.

First pages have a funny sense of optimism. Everything, in the starting, seems so beautiful, so bright. The wake of dawn, the birth of a baby, the start of a new relation.

The sun rays hit your face, and you wake up from a deep slumber. Untouched by worries or sorrow, there are these precious seconds between wakefulness and sleep, where the mind walks across the bridge built between dreams and reality. In those mili-seconds of bliss, we trudge across a path of tranquil serenity and pure oblivion. We walk on the unknown shores, on the sands of dreams, while the waters of reality slowly touch us, as we lay there in bed,  and slowly wake up to the world we had left behind a few hours ago. We trudge along, becoming almost indifferent to the distant lulls of our fantasy-land, yet unaware of the reality that awaits us. Before the waves of memories, responsibilities, chores, regrets-- the weight of it all-- encompasses our state of waking, before we enter the lands uncontrolled by our wishes and wills. For the first few moments, unlike any other in the rest of lives, we are free.

Who would've known that love can concoct evil? That the simple pleasure of finding your reflections in another other soul can ruin and devastate your own existence. Where the magic of growing up together can disable you from growing up alone. Where the joys of passion and remembrance can turn into sordid thoughts of chaos and ache.

Why does a beautiful beginning seldom reach its beautiful end?

The coming together of two souls bleeds love and purity in its truest form. How then does a child grow up to lead a life of despair? Why isn't the beauty of new life sustained as the child grows up? Why do the memories of his childhood, and the dreams of a good career, a good future, a great life never translate into the present reality?

Why are all the first pages of all these stories you hear the best that'll ever be?


"Yeah", she told herself. "First pages do have a funny way of seeming bright."

Change Me.

Take this glow off my eyes

the sparkle & shine

from the depths of my dreams

and make it fade.

Take these lines on my hands

& the way they burn with my faith

in what tomorrow may bring

and cross them till they can't be read

Take this depth of my heart

and its ocean of wait

and fill it with your truth

not your lies

or deceit

Undo yourself from the spaces of my mind

from the corners and the walls and the rooms inside me

pick these pieces

of your laugh; of your smile

like your bags

Take yourself, and leave

Undo yourself

and all that I know of you

And if you can't

then just somehow

Change me.

For The Eyes That Are Never Around.

I’m looking for your face

Down these blocks, in the train

I keep thinking that these doors will open

and you’ll walk in.

I stand on the corners of these streets

Waiting for the light to turn green

I keep thinking you’re standing across somewhere

Looking at the way I walk, the rhythm in my feet

I fix my hair, I wear these clothes

I live

I be

In every little way

Just the way you’d want me to be

I don’t speak to strangers

Never look with anger at the eyes that devour me

I never run to catch buses

I walk, because you’ll be seeing.

I always look out windows

In the distant alleys, behind shadows of trees

I smile while staring at walls

At the smallest of moments

That cross my mind

I think about you more often than

I should

Maybe even more so

Than I knowingly breathe.

I be

This way and more

For the eyes that are never around

While the sun comes up to touch your face

There is darkness in this town.

Peace & You.

While into the arms of heaven
I shall soar
relentlessly, painlessly
with all my might
I will find my way
towards peace.
Out of darkness
Into the streams of light
around the corners of tomorrow
if not today
but one day
I will find you.


Find you, enchain you
into the spaces of my mind
keep you, hold you
through wavering times
But till then, I mustn't wither
my strength to look for you around
If not now, maybe somehow
I shall find peace
and maybe
in it find you too.

The Games We Play.

Spill.
Take your heart and your soul
the pieces and bits of you
you hide so well.
Out from the corners, and into the light
Let the hidden be known.
locked and untouched, what art thou but a broken tie
a fragile bond, my yesteryear
always there, but never around
like a song in my head
and a beat to my feet
you are truth; a reality.

Do not twinkle or let me blink.
Stay till you must be gone
Like rain must pour and I must breathe
Let your presence be my possibility.

As I scour through remains
and put you in an old box on the left
Smile at me through these photographs
As I hear you call my name
and live this love
in my head.

I have run.

Stand back, be forgotten. Let the waves of time wipe you clean. Give precious moments of solitude to a damaged heart if you may. and it might just beat again.

But please, for now, don't look me in the eyes or I might come undone. like a knot held together with a child's might.

I have run, for I was scared. of being known and seen and heard

But if I hide longer, this way. away from your eyes, away from the sun.

You'll never know the veins beneath my skin

or of storms running within them.